I'm... eh... sort of back.

So... first of all I want to apologize for my recent meltdown. And all recent meltdowns that I have had in the past... quite a while. I went through my journal and deleted everything. Don't ask me why, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I'm kind of remodeling a little... I needed a change, and besides, there was an awful lot of crap collecting. Most things (like my first paintings) have gone in the scraps folder, but a lot have been deleted. If I deleted something you particularly liked, I apologize. If you're really heartbroken about it (which I doubt), drop me a line and I'll put it back or send you your very own copy of the file (yay). But to be honest, most of what I deleted really was crap. So I hope it didn't bother anybody.

Second, because you guys have been listening to me alternatively bitch and moan about random crap for a year, I think you guys of all people deserve an explanation. Or at least, as much of one as I can give. For several years now, I have suspected that I might be depressed. Ever since middle school I've had problems with my moods, which I thought were just due to violent PMS. But it's never really gone away... sometimes I almost think it's gone, and sometimes it's so bad that it's like a constant block in my mind. The only reason I can think of is depression. I researched depression on the web a while ago and came across a condition called Dysthymia, which is a lesser but more extended form of depression. I dunno... it's hard to explain, but I know what I feel and what I deal with. This is the only explanation that makes sense.
I can just see all the doubting thought bubbles forming. And yes, I know the dangers of self-diagnosis. But it's not like I'm going to try and self-medicate or go crying to a professional. All I want is to know what's wrong with me. And I refuse to believe that I just suck as a person or that I'm destined to fail at life.
Which begs the question: why am I babbling about this over the internet? Why DON'T I go crying to professionals, or at least my parents? Well, the last time I told my parents something intensely personal about myself, they didn't believe me. When I talked to a counselor about my issues, they just brushed me off with the easiest solution and called it a day. The people who say they're there to help me haven't done me any favors when I needed help. That's why I never talk about anything to anybody. I deal with things myself.
And that's what I'll do: I'll deal with this by myself my own way. I don't need some random adult to validate what I feel (or invalidate, as the case usually is). I'm not going to sit around and listen to someone who has no idea what makes me tick go "bah, don't be such a teenager; there's nothing wrong with you. You're just lazy/cowardly/pathetic/looking for attention/making excuses".

So I'm not losing my "suck it and swallow, society" attitude. I just want to stop alienating myself from the people who DO care about me and who help me without even realizing it; my friends (irl and online), my boyfriend, random people who make my day a little brighter when they say they like my art. And I think I was honestly a little silly cutting myself off from my art, which is my only free form of expression. And sure, I won't post all of it up here. I never have, and I never will. But if I have something I want to say or share, I'm not going to let my own shitty self-esteem stop me. I want to stop faffing around... when I want to do something, I won't spend ages in vacillation. And then maybe I can shake this stupid whatever-the-hell-it-is that's been running my life since I was a preteen.
And since I'm going off on a tangent, I'm going to just give you the TL;DR... I'm sorry for being an emotional poophead, which may or may not be because I'm sick in the head. I will fix it. And... I'm back for now.
And hopefully I'll continue going forward.